There is a very real madness surrounding the nursery-school landscape - particularly, and inevitably, in London. Caesareans are booked early in the month to ensure places at the best nursery schools (many offer one boy and one girl a first come, first served place each month). So, it seems, denying your baby its full gestational majority is less harmful than sending it to your second choice of nursery school. Such is the lunacy.
But it's understandable. Competition has never been stiffer and there is a nagging feeling that if the precious little worm doesn't get on the right escalator at two and a half, they will not be able to fulfil their potential, they will somehow have been... let down. This is emphatically not so.
We spoke to the heads of some of the country's top prep schools - the next step on the educational ladder - and the message was consistently as follows: choose a nursery that you like as near to home as possible, because this will make for a happier family atmosphere, which - old-fashioned though it seems - is the most important thing for a child's development. And when you go on the nursery tour, try to be as normal as possible.
In other words, if you are determined to have your bump end up at Harvard Business School, keep it to yourself for now. Nursery-school heads are not looking for ambition. They are looking for love, light, laughter and literacy. And, in the end, aren't you?
Best London nurseries
The Acorn
W11 (no website; 020 7727 2122)
Fees From £2,200 a term Ages From 2½
There's a lot of hype about the Acorn: impossible to get into; a celebrity pit; the most exclusive nursery in London (ergo, the world?). The truth? 'It's the loveliest place you can imagine,' says a mother. 'I don't know anyone who hasn't been happy there.' 'For the kids, it's paradise,' adds another. 'It's very nurturing.' It was founded by Jane Cameron (also of Notting Hill Prep) and a spy affirms: 'I cannot speak too highly of her.' The Camerons go above and beyond, as do their young and committed staff. A mother says: 'You really are part of the Acorn family. It's something rare.' It's just a very alpha, very Notting Hill family. We hear an application form filed a few hours after birth is the best start. It's first come, first served, but 'recommendations definitely help', says a parent. 'Then there's the fight for the more glamorous morning sessions.' Another says: 'You've got to show you really want it,' which a lot of families really, really do.
The Minors
W2 (minorsnurseryschool.co.uk)
Fees £2,950 a term Ages From 2½
The alma mater of Princes William and Harry, the Minors is a bookies' favourite for Prince George's first foray into education. It was bought by Alpha Plus in 2004, but has lost none of its sparkle and is our pick from the group's stable of excellent nurseries (which include Rolfe's and Chepstow House). Parents are comforted that Minors is within Alpha's embrace of power preps Wetherby and Pembridge Hall ('educational heft,' says an insider). 'It's just a really fantastic nursery,' reports a mother. 'Children leave wonderfully equipped for big school, wherever that may be.' It's a traditional place and home is a light-filled basement in a grand stucco house. 'Lots of curious learning,' says a parent, and kids love the jolly sandpit and patio. You can register from birth until one year old. It's first past the post, with a spread of birthdays: essentially, one boy and one girl - whose parents were speediest with their paperwork - are chosen from each month.
Miss Delaney's
W11(missdelaneys.co.uk)
Fees £2,550 a term Ages From 2½
W11 is brimming with very splendid, very oversubscribed nurseries and Miss Delaney's is one of the leaders of the pack. There are two sites in Holland Park (the St James's Gardens branch arguably has the best outside space of any nursery in the area) and both dish out the same winning formula. It's old-fashioned in the best possible way. The three Rs are paramount, and a mother describes it as 'quintessentially British - you can be assured of a good ticking off.' Staff couldn't be more friendly or helpful. However, a merger is a afoot and both nurseries will move to a new site in Avondale Park, ready for the start of term this September. Families from Brook Green and Ladbroke Grove are even willing to commute. We've said it before and we'll say it again: register from the maternity ward.
Maggie & Rose Village nursery
W4 (maggieandrose.com)
Fees From £47 a half-day Ages From 1
You know the private family members' club, of course, described as a mecca for Chiswick's smart set and - rumour has it - royals too (Rose is Rose van Cutsem). The Village Nursery opened in 2013: a 'village green' with supersized playhouses ('focus areas') - one is a library, another a theatre, another a 'sensory cottage'. Upstairs is a roof garden, mud kitchen and pizza oven. 'It's a fusion of their world and ours,' says founder Maggie Bolger. 'An inspiring, play-based environment, not a classroom.' It's flexible too, designed by a working mother to suit working mothers. Check in from 8am to 6pm, Monday to Friday, 51 weeks a year. Savvy parents register at birth, but Maggie says: 'I didn't want to be one of those nurseries who laugh at you if you call up when your child is two.' The aesthetic is grown-up, with plenty of Farrow & Ball greys, and food is prepared by the in-house chef - lentil and kale curry, perhaps. There's a new pre-nursery at their Kensington branch too. We want in.
The Willcocks Nursery
SW7 (willcocksnurseryschool.com)
Fees From £1,130 a term Ages From 2
We know describing a good school in Kensington as a 'hidden gem' is an oxymoron, but the Willcocks Nursery is just that. It has a loyal following - a mix of old English families and chic foreigners - but flies under the radar. It's all quite understated. Yes, you should register at birth and yes, there are waiting lists, but fab head Lavinia Taylor says: 'We try our best not to disappoint.' A mother describes it as 'gentle, which is what you want for young ones'. They're just by the Royal Albert Hall, so expect jaunts to the museums and the park, as well as captivating talks on things like Shackleton, archaeology or the environment to keep things lively and fun. Kindness is evident everywhere, plus the nursery is a cooperative, so you know staff are in it for the long haul.
Pippa Pop-ins
SW6 (pippapopins.com)
Fees £100 a day Ages From 1
Pippa Pop-ins has three snappy nurseries in Fulham, with a clientele to match. It's chic: wooden floors, Beatrix Potter wallpaper, pastels (one wonders where the sticky handprints are). A tip: the New King's Road branches have the best gardens. We hear the vibe is particularly good for girls, and the food (each nursery has a private chef) is delicious. You can register only after visiting and places are offered based on availability of sessions (morning, afternoon and full days). The waiting list can be hefty, but it does move. Most head on to Fulham Prep and Thomas's when they leave. 'I was going to drive to Pippa's from Brook Green every day before we moved,' gushes a mother. 'It just felt so right and there was nothing like it near us.' K&C mothers drive in too, but there is respite - a Kensington outpost opens this year.
Young England
Fees From £1,850 a term Ages From 2½
Name ringing a bell? This is the nursery where Diana, Princess of Wales worked before her wedding - remember that unfortunate photograph? Young England is still as proudly pukka as its name suggests. A Pimlico institution since the Sixties, it's housed in a large, light church hall next to St George's Square, where the children have their allotment. Head Kay King ('Miss Kay') has been here since 1973; her son Henry runs the business side. Parents praise the children's 'wonderful manners' and the love of school that Young England engenders in its charges. Your little one must be potty-trained by age three - no pressure. Register at birth (not before), but 'registration does not guarantee a place', the website states sternly. 'It's seen as a way into the top schools,' says our spy.
Stepping Stones
W12 (steppingstonesw12.co.uk)
Fees From £820 a term Ages From 2
It's called the Askew Village these days - where Notting Hillites migrate when they go forth and multiply. The Stepping Stones vibe is friendly and fun (hatching ducklings, stick insects, mountains of glittery playdough), but head Bryony Dodd places great emphasis on children's confidence and preparing them for school. She was deputy head of super-popular Fox Primary School, so knows what matters. 'My son's reception teacher said that the children were streets ahead of their peers,' says a proud parent. Staff are long-serving and loyal; extracurriculars include yoga, music and gardening. The playground is tiny, but nearby Wendell Park more than makes up for it. Parents are laidback, with a light sprinkling of celebrity stardust. The PTA is 'social with occasional accidental fundraising', reports a father. Register at birth.
St Mark's Square
NW1 (stmarkssquarenurseryschool.org.uk)
Fees From £2,870 a term Ages From 1
Head Sheema Parsons receives wondrous plaudits for her work at St Mark's Square and was awarded an OBE in 2013. She pioneered a more holistic approach to early years: yoga and meditation were on the curriculum here long before everyone else jumped on the bandwagon. The motto is 'Work is love made visible' and Mrs Parsons says: 'The school fits around each individual child, making their learning experience unique.' Parents talk of a cosy community, which has included Kate Winslet and Thandie Newton. Book in a visit, then register after birth; there's a long waiting list but, if you love it, chances are it will love you back (with the offer of a place). It's set in church grounds, flanked by Primrose Hill and Regent's Park - you'll think you have reached nursery nirvana.
Mouse House
SW11 (thekindergartens.com)
Fees From £800 a term Ages From 2
The Kindergartens group is a phenomenon, comprising 12 nurseries and founded by the formidable Carol Evelegh, a phenomenon herself: she taught at Thomas's schools for 36 years. Mouse House SW11 is the largest Montessori school in south London; two-year-olds start off down the street at Mouse Hole. This is Nappy Valley central, so register at birth and keep fingers crossed: it's first come, first served ('Who you know helps,' whispers a mother. 'They claim it doesn't, but it's the worst-kept secret'). It's a Forest School centre with music, drama, Spanish and ballet lessons from peripatetic teachers. There's some mild parental teeth-gnashing over the admin and extras, but a mother says her child's experience has been 'fantastic - fun but structured'.
Zebedee Nursery
SW6 (zebedeenurseryschools.co.uk)
Fees From £1,750 a term Ages From 2
Situated near the White Horse pub (and Waitrose), Zebedee is at the beating heart of Parsons Green. Su Gahan ('Miss Su') has run the school for 32 years and 'has the most amazing depth of experience. Her school is second to none,' says a mother. Christian values are at its core and Miss Su says: 'We are passionate about building each child's self-esteem.' There's heaps of creative stuff: art, drama and role play. 'It's very nurturing, yet also academic - all my children have been able to read when they leave, but it's not pressurised at all,' adds a parent. Rising threes need to be out of nappies. Register promptly - one insider warns that 'the waiting list is legendary'. Parents are 'landed gentry types': well educated but not overly competitive, so, thankfully, histrionics and tutoring are rare.
The Gardens
SW18 (gardenschildcare.co.uk)
Fees From £37 a half day Ages From nine months
'We believe we offer our children the very best start in early years education,' says owner Sarah Bokaie. The Gardens has evolved 'by popular demand' from a nursery school to a super-flexible day nursery. Early-bird club starts at 7.30am and the school day runs until 7pm (it's open 51 weeks a year too). We like the nicely relaxed atmosphere. They have their own cook and there's a roof garden with gypsy caravan - how thrilling. Extracurriculars include drama, tennis, cooking and Mandarin - all included in the fees, as are meals and trips (hurray); register at birth to get on the waiting list. We also hear rave reviews for the sister nursery, Park Gardens. Most nurseries have their critics, but you never hear a bad word said about Park Gardens: parents praise the 'fab' outside space and long-serving staff ('lovely, lovely people').
The Children's House
N1 (childrenshouseschool.co.uk)
Fees From £1,820 a term Ages From 2½
Founded in 1973, the Children's House is an Islington favourite. They take a holistic, child-centred approach; children emerge with a love of learning and plenty of confidence for the next step. 'It's just the sort of nurturing environment you want for their formative years,' says a mother. 'As a parent, you feel incredibly lucky. My child sometimes asks to go to nursery at the weekend.' Register at birth - places are allocated by date of registration. All children start with afternoon sessions; it's full days when they turn four. In 2005, they opened the Children's House Upper School to take pupils through to age seven (NB transfer to upper school is not automatic -register separately). Parents are sensible and down to earth, a mix of professionals and media types, with 'the occasional hipster dad'. There's no outside space. 'Classic inner-city set-up,' says an observer, but they spend 'vast amounts of energy getting children to other places to play outside and get exercise'.
Marmalade Schools
SW11, SW12 and SW17 (marmaladeschools.co.uk)
Fees From £1,275 a term Ages 2½
'I love Miss Rozzy,' says a father. 'Everyone loves Miss Rozzy.' Miss Rozzy is the sparky, hugely knowledgeable head who runs the three Marmalade nurseries. 'A super outfit,' says an insider. Marmalade Cat, the original, is the most popular, with the glitziest parents; spread over three floors of a modern church right by Clapham Common, it has a buzzy and fun atmosphere. 'We're looking for progress,' says Miss Rozzy. 'Be that writing your name or just writing a letter.' The other two Marmalades, in Wandsworth, are just as good: Marmalade Bear has more Brits and great space; Marmalade Caterpillar has an inspirational head. Most children go on to Thomas's and Broomwood. It's never too soon to register and places are first come, first served. Wonderfully inclusive, Marmalade will take on children with learning difficulties, including autism and Down's syndrome (Miss Rozzy originally trained in special needs). Parents rave about the fantastic pastoral care. It's very family-oriented and very social - getting the mums out in the mornings can be tricky. 'We're just full-on chat,' says Miss Rozzy, which we love.
Miss Daisy's
SW3, SW1(missdaisysnursery.com)
Fees From £3,400 a term Ages From 2½
Miss Daisy receives an application a day for her trio of wunderkind nurseries in Belgravia, Chelsea and Knightsbridge. We love the balance of good old fun (bright and breezy decor, manners above all else, fancy dress if you like) and educational rigour. Parents are glossy internationals and, when it comes to prep-school applications, Miss Daisy observes: 'A big part of my job is hand-holding.' But advice is always sage: be patient, waiting lists move, if it's a 'no', then it's not meant to be. Tutors are frowned upon. Register speedily after birth; they pick the right mix of boys, girls and birthdays and, ultimately, want families who are the right fit. Your little one must be out of nappies for the first year, which is mornings only. 'No afternoons means there isn't that feeling that mornings are reserved for siblings and celebrities,' says Daisy. We approve. Can't get in? Try old favourite Ringrose, off Sydney Street.
Best UK nurseries
Harriet House
Berkshire (harriethouseschool.co.uk)
Fees From £41.50 a day Ages From 2½
Harriet Hathaway is a Dawson, as in Sunningdale School Dawson; her family has run the preeminent prep for years. In short, Harriet knows her educational onions. An insider raves: 'Her nursery is AMAZING' (note the capitals), and if you're Berkshire-based, you'd be mad to miss it. Harriet House is a Montessori school and 'all about building self-esteem and confidence'. Register at birth; there are waiting lists. Based in a blissful walled garden on the Yattendon Estate, it encompasses five acres for frolicking - tricycling, climbing - and a mud kitchen (on 'Woodland Wednesdays' there's a picnic lunch). Top billing goes to their annual literary festival (yes, really), with readings from starry authors.
Pumpkins
Gloucestershire (pumpkinsnursery.co.uk)
Fees £46 a day Ages From 1
'I chose Pumpkins for ease,' reports a mother. 'A stroll across the village green - and I quickly realised I'd landed on my feet.' Set in glorious village surroundings in Gloucestershire, Pumpkins draws children from a wide-ranging area. It's small - only 30 children - and homely, with an outstanding Ofsted rating, its own cook and great outside space. We love the sound of the Forest School sessions, when children don waterproof dungarees and venture into the wood opposite ('by kind permission of Her Grace the Duchess of Beaufort') for den-making and mini beast hunts. Manager Brenda Say has 'almost mythological status in the area', says a parent. 'She is marvellous, calm, imaginative, encouraging and, despite looking barely out of her teens, she's a whippet-thin grandmother.' The nursery is open 8am to 6pm all year round - well, almost all year: it closes for the duration of the Horse Trials, so the super-smart horseboxes can move into the adjoining paddock. How very English. Praise too for Bingham Kindergarten in Cirencester: 'Very Gloucestershire, right down to its stripy aprons,' says a mother. (PS Norland College, source of the best nannies, is just south of the M4 in Bath.)
Lemon Tree
Taunton (no website; 01823 251307)
Fees £34.80 a day Ages From 1
Lemon Tree doesn't need a website - word of mouth does the job for them. This is nursery heaven. Our spy tells us: 'When I visited for the first time, I was greeted by a troop of toddlers in the sunshine, chasing bubbles on the lawn in the walled garden. I felt like checking myself in for a few sessions, Continued on page 219 never mind my son.' The nursery is in a converted stable behind owner Linda Raymonde-Parker's Georgian rectory and yes, it's every bit as lovely as that sounds. There's an enclosed field, woodland copse, orchard and gardens; the children are poured into navy waterproof dungarees every day, whatever the weather, for nature walks and bear hunts, and to check on progress in their veg patch. The nativity play takes place in the teeny church next door and there's a leavers' party every summer in a marquee on the lawn, 'where four-year-olds entertain their sobbing mummies with French songs'. Ofsted rates it 'outstanding' across the board. Register the minute you see those two blue lines.
Wolfson Court kidsunlimited
Cambridge (kidsunlimited.co.uk)
Fees From £53.30 a day Ages From 1
No surprise that Cambridge is packed with good nurseries to cater for all those clever people and their clever offspring. Our spies rave about Wolfson Court Kidsunlimited, which is in the grounds of Wolfson College and, we're told, 'phenomenally popular'. Parents like the purpose-built building ('good security and excellent modern facilities') and the large outside space. The pre-school room is run by a former primary-school teacher, who focuses on 'school-ready' activities. Families are an international, cosmopolitan mix - the nursery 'works hard to celebrate different national festivals and there are regular fun days and parties', confirms a mother. One caveat: the Ofsted rating slipped from 'outstanding' to 'good' in the last report, but our spy says: 'This inspection took place when the manager was on maternity leave - we don't feel the nursery has gone downhill in any way since the outstanding-rated inspection.' We also hear good things about Joint Colleges Nursery, in a lovely setting on Chaucer Road: 'It used to be just for the kids of university employees, but it's now open to everyone,' reports our spy. Again, we're told the waiting list is formidable.
Wester Coates Nursery School
Edinburgh (no website; wcns@hotmail.co.uk; 0131 346 7398)
Fees £30 a half day Ages From 2½
A mother emails: 'One day when I must have been looking like a particularly hopeless new mother, a lovely barrister (now friend) swooped down on me and said, "I only have two words of advice for you: Wester Coates!" - and she was right.' Wester Coates provides, we're told, 'the greatest start to learning' - it's not unknown for parents to defer their children's school start date to give them more time with the 'remarkable' Alison Hawkins. Mrs Hawkins is passionate about early years education: the nursery follows the philosophy of Friedrich Fröbel, who was an advocate of learning through creative play. It's mornings only, with play and structured activities like art, baking and poetry readings. Plenty of trips out to shops, galleries and the Water of Leith. There's no uniform, but Mrs Hawkins says 'wellies and warm clothing are a requirement'. It's best to register at birth (places are allocated on a first-come, first-served basis), but Mrs Hawkins advises: 'With families moving in and out of Edinburgh, it's always worth giving us a ring.'
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